Spring Break is always a dicey time of year for our family for a number of reasons. All three kids have Spring Break off of school a different week than Tom does at the school he coaches at, so Tom has to work while the kids are off. The break always falls in March, Tim’s notoriously most unstable month of the year. And, here in the Midwest, the weather is dicey, as March can be 60 degrees or 10, depending on how fickle the groundhog felt in February.
We had dinner as a family Saturday night, played Monopoly, and listened to The Beatles, my favorite band of all time. The White Album
was playing and when Revolution Number 9 came on, Tim seemed to go into a trance, then started rocking and whispering to himself. I wondered to myself if this song sort of represents what it’s like to be Tim, and listen to chaos inside my own head. Have you ever really listened to it? I had to listen to it again later, when the kids were in bed, and I was physically agitated thinking that is what Tim experiences every single day. I honestly don’t know how he accomplishes anything with that kind of overwhelming barrage of information constantly pulsing. I asked him while it was playing if something was wrong and he just stared, shook his head, rocked and whispered. I forwarded on to the next track and he relaxed a bit, but never quite got back that night to the jovial guy he was at dinner. I’ve found myself drawn to the song today, playing it several times while I listen with my eyes closed, trying to imagine that running as the soundtrack of my day, day in and day out, and a feeling of hopelessness came over me. How in the hell can my son’s brain turn on him in such a sinister manner? And what kind of God would let that happen to any human being, let alone a child? My feelings about God and religion are for another day and another post, but the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that surrounded me as I contemplated being confronted with what it’s like to be in Tim’s brain reinforced my disillusionment in a higher power of any type.
Note: I would have embedded the YouTube of Revolution 9 here, but Sony Music prohibits playing it on any site but YouTube. If you want to hear it, click the link above and you’ll be taken to it on YouTube
Tom took Tim back to ODTC today, and while Tim is happy there, he always hates leaving home, as much as I hate having him go. He’s on the waiting list to move to one of the group homes on the campus which is one step closer to coming home for good, and I’m hoping we get him in to one soon. He’ll be 17 this summer and we’re running out of time before he becomes a legal adult and can’t stay in the dorms or group homes for minors. He’s made tremendous progress in the past 18 months and he, his therapist, and we all feel he’s ready for this next step. Here’s to hoping he gets into the group home soon, to have as much time in it before he’s 18 as possible.
Hi, I followed your blog for a while sometime back, but stopped following and reading anything to do with mental illness as my real life living with it was getting to be enough. I have recently started picking up the pieces as my reality is changing again. My daughter, who has fetal alcohol syndrome, also has schizophrenia. The psychiatrist has been telling me this for a few years, but we had so many other things going on, mainly my son, also fas, mood disorder, has been dominating the family, so to speak. Anyway, her schizophrenia is now topping the charts in our family. The psych has had a serious talk with me about it, again, he has done this before, I am just really listening now, and I am so depressed. She is nine. Was diagnosed with autism at age four, and I am now finding out that early onset schiz is often diagnosed as autism in young children. anyway, i am just writing because I am starting to really realize how this is all going to go. I'm just sad. She has enough. They both do. It just doesn't seem fair, and I know that seems a stupid thing to say, but I just feel that way.
Lynn, I'm right there with you. Tim was first diagnosed as autistic, so I understand where you are. I wish I had better news for you, but…it is what it is. Please know that there are other parents going through what you and your daughter are going through, and I'm happy to listen whenever you want to vent or share ideas, or just comiserate.
Thank you. I will definately be doing that.
Sounds like you had a very busy, and eye opening time with your kids. *hugs*
One thing to remember when watching PG movies made before 1985 (I think) is that they didn't have the rating PG-13. So they may be a little more graphic, violent, sexual, more cussing… than we expect. May not be a concern for you, but I'm super strict on the media I allow in the house because of my kids' trauma background so I thought I'd mention it.
Mary