Spring Break is always a dicey time of year for our family for a number of reasons. All three kids have Spring Break off of school a different week than Tom does at the school he coaches at, so Tom has to work while the kids are off. The break always falls in March, Tim’s notoriously most unstable month of the year. And, here in the Midwest, the weather is dicey, as March can be 60 degrees or 10, depending on how fickle the groundhog felt in February.
We had dinner as a family Saturday night, played Monopoly, and listened to The Beatles, my favorite band of all time. The White Album was playing and when Revolution Number 9 came on, Tim seemed to go into a trance, then started rocking and whispering to himself. I wondered to myself if this song sort of represents what it’s like to be Tim, and listen to chaos inside my own head. Have you ever really listened to it? I had to listen to it again later, when the kids were in bed, and I was physically agitated thinking that is what Tim experiences every single day. I honestly don’t know how he accomplishes anything with that kind of overwhelming barrage of information constantly pulsing. I asked him while it was playing if something was wrong and he just stared, shook his head, rocked and whispered. I forwarded on to the next track and he relaxed a bit, but never quite got back that night to the jovial guy he was at dinner. I’ve found myself drawn to the song today, playing it several times while I listen with my eyes closed, trying to imagine that running as the soundtrack of my day, day in and day out, and a feeling of hopelessness came over me. How in the hell can my son’s brain turn on him in such a sinister manner? And what kind of God would let that happen to any human being, let alone a child? My feelings about God and religion are for another day and another post, but the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that surrounded me as I contemplated being confronted with what it’s like to be in Tim’s brain reinforced my disillusionment in a higher power of any type.
Note: I would have embedded the YouTube of Revolution 9 here, but Sony Music prohibits playing it on any site but YouTube. If you want to hear it, click the link above and you’ll be taken to it on YouTube
Tom took Tim back to ODTC today, and while Tim is happy there, he always hates leaving home, as much as I hate having him go. He’s on the waiting list to move to one of the group homes on the campus which is one step closer to coming home for good, and I’m hoping we get him in to one soon. He’ll be 17 this summer and we’re running out of time before he becomes a legal adult and can’t stay in the dorms or group homes for minors. He’s made tremendous progress in the past 18 months and he, his therapist, and we all feel he’s ready for this next step. Here’s to hoping he gets into the group home soon, to have as much time in it before he’s 18 as possible.