I. FEEL. DEFEATED.
Today my son was baker acted for the third time. He is 8 years old. 8. I drove to the hospital in silence as a fear I had since forgotten began to enter my heart. This day is a day I will never forget. This one is different. Softly I can hear behind me as the doctor whispers into a security guards ear “call a code gray”. Then loudly I hear “Code Gray!” It seemed to sharply pierce me in the stomach as I heard those words a second time. What exactly is a code gray? It’s turning around to see a swarm of doctors, nurses,
Police officers and security guards RUNNING in your direction. It’s a nurse holding you and physically pulling you into another room when the only place you want to be in that moment is in your child’s shoes instead of him. It’s hearing your baby scream in terror as he is strapped down to the bed. It’s knowing that’s what is best. It’s knowing there is a serious problem and facing reality that there is nothing you can do to fix it. Code Gray was my life today. My son is my hero. He battles a monster that consumes him from the inside out every single day and most days he is ok. Most days he wins. Today, though, the monster won. And I feel defeated. Why? Because it’s my monster to fight for him! And I lost! I lost! Phew, deep breath. It’s ok. He just needs medication changes, right? He will be ok in a few days, right? What about a few years? What about his career? Will be find love? Will he be successful? Will he go to college? Today, the monster won. We will accept the loss.
Because tomorrow, we embark on the journey to understand who and what this monster is… and I promise you, I will defeat it. Because my son is worth it. Your children are all worth it. Do not give up. They need us. The monster will never die but with our guidance and love and support, it will only show it’s shadow every now and again. So, on days like this, when you have just gotten home after having a 10 hour panic attack and admitting your only baby to a psychiatric hospital and driving home alone.. get up and be ready to fight. Warrior boots on.